Jonathan: Rob Henderson, a bestselling author, highlighted a subtle divide in the self-help aisles in a recent post on X. In his memoir, Troubled, he chronicles his path from foster care chaos to elite academia. He observed that titles aimed at men often preach a gospel of grit and self-mastery.
These books urge readers to build unbreakable discipline, embrace stoicism in the face of setbacks, and accept that no external force will carry them forward. The core message is a challenge: toughen up, focus inward, and earn every step through willpower.
By contrast, self-help designed for women rarely frames personal growth as a quest to forge missing strengths from scratch. Instead, it often leans into a narrative of inherent worth waiting to bloom saying, “See what you already have inside you and let it out. Your problem is fear. Your problem is self-doubt. You need to actualize yourself.”
Thomas: They say, “You just need to get out of your own way. Live in your glory, beauty, and brilliance”
Jonathan: Those books imply that the reader already possesses everything needed for self-fulfillment implying, “The only thing holding you back is doubt. If other people doubt you, you should eliminate those voices.” The promise is one of release. They encourage women to silence the inner critic, claim your brilliance, and watch the world finally catch up to affirm what you already know about yourself.
How is this showing up in fiction?
Thomas: That is the nonfiction side, and it is what the original post was about, but it is leaking into fiction. If you look at the themes in fiction, the same pattern is showing up there too.
Jonathan: Romance and women’s fiction are the two largest genres by revenue, and they often sell the same “you are already enough” narrative Henderson flagged in self-help.
In much of modern romantic fantasy, the protagonist already has a power inside them that must be unlocked through self-actualization. If you look at the Marvel film Captain Marvel, it is the same arc. She already has all the power she needs. She just needs to stop listening to men.
Thomas: She is already the most powerful being in the galaxy. She just needs to get out of her own way.
Jonathan: Exactly. The story is not, “She earned the power.” It is, “She was already that powerful, and people were holding her back.”
Men’s fiction, on the other hand, often leans into a harder version of the hero’s journey. Rocky is not strong enough to beat Drago, so he trains in harsh conditions. Men tend to love that kind of story. The hero wins by becoming more disciplined, more willing to endure pain, and often by enduring it alone. The message is not, “I was enough all along,” but, “I made myself into something the world cannot ignore.”
A compelling example with a female protagonist, but a more traditionally masculine hero’s journey, is Prey, part of the Predator franchise. A Comanche woman survives long enough to learn the Predator’s weaknesses and ultimately kill it. She forges herself into a weapon through the story.
I love that movie. It is one of the few I genuinely rewatch. The storytelling is excellent.
What do these stories teach about suffering?
Thomas: One of the most interesting differences between these worldviews is how they interpret suffering. The more traditionally masculine hero’s journey presents a redemptive view of suffering. Suffering is not just something to avoid. It strengthens you and equips you to overcome the real obstacle. That is the Rocky arc. That is Luke Skywalker getting zapped during training. The suffering is part of the becoming.
In the Captain Marvel style arc, suffering is framed as someone else’s fault. They are evil for making you suffer. You are already perfect, and the suffering is presented as oppression that blocks your inner greatness and beauty.
The post framed this as masculine and feminine, and there is something true about that. However, I also think we are in a shifting moment culturally. People are fatigued by the “unlock your inner girlboss” storyline because it does not ring true to lived experience.
You are not perfect. You do not already have everything you need to do everything you want. You have weaknesses. You have laziness. You have sins. You do things that create bad outcomes. Not every problem in your life is your fault, but you are responsible for many of them.
John Maxwell once said, “If I could kick the person most responsible for the problems in my life, I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.” That is exactly right.
Jonathan: That reminds me of Full Metal Jacket. The message is, “I do not care who you are. You are all equally worthless, and I am going to turn you into something.” That is a very masculine framework. You get stripped down, rebuilt, and forged into what you need to be. I love that.
Thomas: Framing this as masculine and feminine can make it seem like both stories are equally true, and they are not. That “you are already perfect” narrative is not true. As you live, you realize it does not hold up. You do need to take responsibility for many of the problems in your life.
That said, the masculine story can also go too far. Famines happen. Tragedies happen. Sometimes suffering is not your fault and is not anyone’s fault.
Jonathan: Like Batman. As long as you are a billionaire, you can take on any criminal, as long as you can afford to train with a ninja master.
What does the Bible say about suffering?
Thomas: The book of Job is about this exact question. Job is suffering, and his friends have a strong “good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people” worldview. They insist Job must be at fault. Job insists he is not.
They debate back and forth, and the story challenges simplistic cause-and-effect thinking. But none of them say, “There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to get out of your own way.”
Jonathan: That is a helpful framing. The story is in the argument. It is the tension between suffering, responsibility, and meaning.
How does a redemptive view of suffering apply to writers?
Thomas: Western society struggles to handle suffering well. Many of us do not have a redemptive view of suffering. A Catholic friend once told me, “Don’t let a season of suffering go to waste. This is God’s opportunity to build godly character in you.” When I first heard that, I thought it sounded crazy. Suffering felt like something to avoid.
As I have gotten older, I have realized there was wisdom in it.
Discipline is not the same as punishment. I have been in a season of discipline. I have restricted my diet and increased my effort in the gym. That discipline is good.
And this applies directly to writing. The discipline of writing, forcing yourself to write when you do not feel like it, makes you a better person.
You do not get points for writing when the muse shows up, the birds are chirping, and you feel inspired. You might produce good writing then, but what shapes you is writing when you do not feel like it, when the work feels like suffering, when you would rather scroll your phone.
Putting the phone away, sitting in front of the blank page, and writing anyway builds the character you need to become a successful author.
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