Thomas: Today, we’re talking about the powerful secret to getting people to love you. Being liked and loved can open all kinds of doors.
What’s the secret to making more friends and influence more people?
Jim: That’s the million-dollar question. Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the best-selling books of all time, and over the years, I’ve simplified its core message into a straightforward formula.
The truth is that when people like you, the rules change. When you like someone, you’re willing to do things for them that you wouldn’t do for a stranger. It applies everywhere, from restaurants to parking garages. Say you’re short on cash and need a small favor, people respond based on how much they like you.
Thomas: It works the other way too. If you’re rude or unpleasant, the rules also change, but not in your favor. It’s like there are three sets of rules: one for strangers, one for friends, and one for people who rub others the wrong way.
Jim: Sometimes, things happen that logically shouldn’t, but when people like you, they’re more willing to help you.
In publishing, this is especially important. Whether you’re working with editors, agents, or other authors, building goodwill can lead to major career opportunities.
Thomas: The secret to success in publishing isn’t just about what you write. It’s also about who you know.
Jim: I’d argue it’s even more about who you know. You and I have been in business long enough to realize that success isn’t just about skill or product quality; it’s about relationships.
Publishing is a business built on connections, and I’ve been teaching this principle at writers’ conferences for years. And while the concept is simple, few people actually apply it.
The good news is that the formula is easy to understand.
The Distilled Formula for Getting People to Love You
Jim: A-L, A-L, repeat. That’s all you need to remember.
- A stands for Ask.
- L stands for Listen.
- And then you repeat the process.
Most people just want to be heard. We all want to feel like our words matter and that someone values our thoughts. If you start viewing every interaction as a chance to ask questions, genuinely listen to the answers, and truly care, you’ll transform your relationships.
If you’re just pretending to listen, people can tell. And when they sense you’re being fake, it all falls apart.
Thomas: That’s what Dale Carnegie talked about in How to Win Friends and Influence People. He pointed out that we have a perfect example of this in our own homes: our dogs.
When you come home, your dog is always excited to see you. It doesn’t matter what kind of day you’ve had, your dog listens, loves, and shows enthusiasm. People love their pets because they reciprocate that affection.
It works the same way with people. If you want people to like you, like them first. If you want people to love you, love them first. Be kind, and that kindness will often come back to you.
listening costs nothing. You don’t have to buy someone dinner to win their favor; just pay attention to them. When you’re sitting at lunch at a conference, don’t just talk about yourself. Listen to the person across the table.
The Expanded Formula
Jim: That’s the key to the advanced version of this formula. It’s not just about asking and listening; it’s also about remembering.
If I meet someone at a conference and the next time I see them, I ask, “Hey, how’s the house hunting going?” and they realize I remembered something personal about them, that instantly builds connection.
Ask. Listen. Remember. Repeat.
I once spent half an hour talking to a major editor at a publishing house. The entire time, I probably said twenty words. But I guarantee you, if you asked her what she thinks of me, she’d say, “Oh, Jim’s great! I love Jim!”
She doesn’t know much about me. But because I listened and showed I cared, she felt valued, and that’s what made the difference.
Thomas: It’s funny, but this even works in job interviews. The best candidates are the ones who get the interviewer talking. That might sound like cheating, but it actually demonstrates strong people skills.
Some people are naturally great with people because they genuinely like them. Others struggle because they don’t practice these principles. And when they don’t, everything is harder.
Jim: So true. I was at a conference once, and a guy came up to me and said, “Jim, it’s been so long! Tell me how you’ve been!” I started talking, and he immediately interrupted me and talked about himself for the next 15 minutes.
Finally, someone else at the table said, “Wait a minute. You asked Jim a question, so why are you doing all the talking?”
The problem is that most of us don’t know how to listen. We’re so focused on ourselves that we don’t even realize we’re dominating conversations. That’s why I challenge people at conferences to ask three questions before talking about themselves.
How to Ask and Listen at Writers Conferences
Thomas: I’ve seen this in action at writers’ conferences. I’m not there to pitch books, so when I talk to agents and editors, they’re more relaxed because they don’t feel like I’m just trying to get something from them.
One of my go-to questions is: “Have you seen any manuscripts at this conference that excite you?” or “Have you met any interesting authors?”
That simple shift in focus builds trust. And those relationships often turn into real friendships, regardless of whether we ever do business together.
Jim: If you really want to stand out, ask questions that aren’t about business.
Before the conference, I researched an editor from Random House, Nick Silva. A quick online search showed that he had just become a dad. So when I met him, instead of asking about publishing, I asked, “Hey, Nick, are you getting any sleep?”
That one question made an instant connection. Instead of treating him like just another editor, I showed that I cared about his real life.
Thomas: That’s an important point. This technique only works if it’s genuine. If you’re being manipulative, people will see right through it. You have to actually care.
Jim: Exactly. It works in every area of life.
When you go home tonight, instead of talking about your day, try asking your spouse three questions before saying anything about yourself. Or use this approach to reconnect with a sibling, a coworker, or even someone you’ve had a strained relationship with.
I guarantee it will make a difference.
Thomas: For an extra challenge, try it with someone who doesn’t share your views. If you’re a staunch Republican, befriend a Democrat. If you’re a die-hard sports fan, talk to someone who doesn’t care about sports.
It’s a great way to broaden your perspective while strengthening your ability to connect with others.
Jim: That’s a great point. At the end of the day, this formula isn’t just about networking, it’s about becoming a better, more well-rounded person.
Related Episodes
Thomas and James, really enjoyed today’s podcast, especially the 3 questions challenge. Is a comments post the right place to start?
I recently went to a conference and developing relationships was my primary intent. The first question I asked an editor was a personal question and it was obvious by the look on his face that the question came out of left field for him. It was not what he expected.
My difficulty will be with the remembering, not because I don’t care, but simply because I struggle with the task itself. I guess I’d better use that awesome tool you mentioned and do some research on improving my memory.